KENDIMI KAYBETMEK// LOSING MYSELF- REINVENTING MYSELF? (Part 1)

When I was writing the blog prior to this one about an insecurity I developed over the past few year: I didn’t expect it to sink so satisfyingly with me. I wrote words, and then immediately erased them. Its best if the world doesn't know what I am like as a person. Right?

Or so I used to think, at least for a good amount of time, all credited to my glorious naivety and people’s applaudable deception. I had, or have, walls. Do I want to call them walls? No. I want to call them tremendous gates of black with cascading chains and thorns all protruding behind venomous ivy. That’s terrifying enough. Par these gates of course, lies my absolute, self. Here I would've described what my absolute self is like, but I felt so utterly upset when I realized, that I’ve also conveniently locked a bit of my own self out that raging gate, I’ve quite forgotten what I used to be like.

 What I used to be like when life got more challenging, when people began prioritizing, when I began to distance myself and misunderstand the right intentions, when my hormones decided to specify I was woman enough and cause a biological calamity within me (totally irrelevant but a valid cause), when I became impulsive and self centered, focused, and categorized my own priorities.

The entirety of these reasons and plenty more is what I am today at 21 years of age, days away from 22. There’s only so much I can explain about myself. People legit spend hours thinking about themselves (you’d think they’d have anything else to occupy themselves with) and they have answers to their actions. I usually cite spontaneity as the root cause for the next mess I put myself in.

 You’re probably wondering, why is this piece of literature is dripping in tears of negativity and reeks of regretful self-reflection. That’s because the latter is such a powerful notion in my head these days.

*I have a fear of ageing too quick before I accomplish my set of goals- birthdays are fun but bitch, I’m panicking. I had a list I needed to tick off.

(this will help put my perspective out more clearly)

‘And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking 

And racing around to come up behind you again The sun is the same in a relative way, but you're older 

Shorter of breath and one day closer to death’- Pink Floyd, Time.

The first step I took to get out of the lost state and give birth to a new road is through reinvention. I don’t know what the old pathways look like, so might as well call it a milestone and begin a new one. I began by leaving my toxic optimism as roadkill on the road I took off from.

Toxic. Optimism? Weird, but my verbal expression could only do this much. I am or was, a fairly positive individual. My response to bullshit was always the existence of a lesson being in there.

That still stands, (I’m also very stubborn)

I’ve changed my take on the lesson. It doesn’t always have to be a good one, or one that you learn with no wounds. As of late, I have sat down with myself in raging tears at all locations- bed, bathroom, kitchen, work, airport, airplane etc ,about my run of bad luck. I convinced myself again that indeed, there is a lesson. Except, its not one that’s telling you something better is out there.

 Something better cannot be out there for years- good things have volatile expiry dates!!

I assured myself, I HAVE assured myself, that the lesson is meant to tell you to prepare for the worst as this so far, was just 1/4^th trailer to a 3-part movie with an entire universe related to it, so expect more movies- of nothing but brutal fate.

.…

 The dots encapsulate my loss of confidence and will to go on about the entire notion of reinvention- Instead I’ll accompany this pathetic brooding with a few words I typed out on my phone a night or so ago, in a sudden burst of anxiety.

 (please don’t try to ever feed me positivity upon reading this- I will gain it back as I always have. This state of mind is helping me digest the realities of life which I severely need. This is my test, my ache. I need to get past this for my sake, not anyone else’s.)

 'All the wounds you have on you are razor cuts from battling femininity.

All your smiles are monotonous since you’ve practiced one plastered grin.

All your plans are nonexistent because you’re afraid of what’s coming.

All your love is shut off because you don’t want to waste it again.

All your hate is leaking because there’s only so much you can contain.

All your scars are open because you can’t wait for wounds to heal.'